6 months have come...and I survived!

A victory! I was on my way down a slippery slope of self pity when it happened. Saturday, Sept 14th came and went without me verbally acknowledging what day it was. I felt it but I didn't wallow in it. A huge victory for me! It was a rough day but I was so busy purging my house that it passed by without specific acknowledgement.

6 months since my baby earned his wings. 6 months I have longed to hold him, kiss him, hear his voice but you know what? It's 6 months closer until I can see him again, hold him, hear his voice, and kiss him. I am working on figuring out where I need to be, what I need to be doing - it's hard. I am always looked at as Cash's mom, yes, it's ok for me to be looked that way but I need to find my purpose other then being Cashs mom. I asked for it when I made our journey so very public, a decision I don't regret for the wonderful encouragement we have received, the prayers that were said  for us and our son, for the strength we were given. We needed them all and because of them all we experienced mini miracles everyday, we still do. God has NOT abandoned us - I can attest to that. We experience answered prayers daily.

People always say that " you are so strong etc." I am not. It's the strength of God that has made me able to walk this journey, to be at peace, to be strong. I really couldn't have done it with out him. I really hope anyone going through a journey like this or any type of trial, feels that strength, feels the comfort the peace. I really wish anyone could feel the things we have felt throughout this past year - without the journey/trial of course. I may have my bad and hard days, I struggle day to day but the things I have learned from this are so valuable. Unteachable with words only through experience. Even my dear husband who struggled has seen what God can do. Has seen how the right people at the right time are placed in front of us when we need it. The compassion he shows for others is remarkable - often left wondering if he has entertained an angel. I have always been in awe at my husbands willingness to give and lend a hand to people after they have abandoned him when he's been in need or after they have continuously taken advantage of him....but now I get it. I am learning to look beyond my own hurts to do what is Godly, what is right. This isn't an easy road and it's easy to get caught up in the self pity and sadness but I am a work in progress and trying!

On the 19th I celebrated my birthday. All day I cleaned the house and organised the girls room. As I was going through a bunch of paintings they had painted I came across a few Cash had done. One was a drawing that he was to fill in. It was of a lion. How ironic. I always picture Cash on the back of a lion in Heaven. Clearly God knew I needed to find that painting that day (I thought they had long been thrown out thinking we had years of paintings to come)- perhaps it was a little love being sent down from Cash to say, "I'm here, Happy Birthday Mommy". I made it through the day without one tear until we were on our way home from a dinner out and I was looking up at the night sky thinking of Cash. I miss him so much, we all do, but for now I rest easy that he is pain free, healed and whole and that one day I pray I can hold him in my arms again.

This month has been a huge victory for me in many ways. Praying it continues! Small daily steps of getting through, although it can still be lonely I am working past that and just learning to be thankful. Thankful for friends willing to lend an ear even if they don't fully understand. The fact that they are here listening and holding me up is sufficient enough! I pray for continued strength for my family, for those who have lost children, spouses or other loved ones. I pray for all the children currently fighting these very big battles. My heart lies with these kids - I so badly wish I could take away their pain. I pray that the parents are open to God's loving arms to give them comfort and peace and strength for whatever may come and that they see beyond what they only want to see. That sometimes miracles come in complete different forms then what we may think they should or how we want.

"And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose"  - Romans 8:28

Lonely road travelled

It's a lonely road. Plain and simple. As much as there is good intent from family and friends, I am so much more aware of how "different" I am. I feel it every time I talk with  someone who has not endured the death of a child, their OWN child. Believe me, I certainly do not wish it upon anyone but only those who have walked this road "get it". I feel like a blubbering crazy person when I talk with others because it always falls back to Cash. I know they care, but I feel like I am just tolerated. I have nothing more to offer anyone as this is my reality, my life. I don't want to say I am "lost" because I thought I was for so long....and really I just needed to find God, I am just in a chapter in my life where I will learn once again who my friends are by them staying or going. I don't intentionally try to overtake conversations by talking about my baby - to me he is just as alive as he was 7 months ago but to them, he is no longer here, it's old news, the sadness has worn off, they've moved on....but how do I move on? Especially when every day I am fully aware of the one that is missing and a second does not go by that I think of him.

The worst is the sad face I see as soon as someone sees me and the awkward and quiet whisper, "How are you?". I am never sure how to respond to that - do you want me to lie and say everything is great, peachy keen, fantastic or do you want the truth - the truth that you'd rather avoid getting into? For the most part I AM okay, I'm surviving, I'm getting out of bed each morning and doing routine things, live day to day,  but inside I have a range of things I want to yell, cry, write and say. Is THAT what you want to hear and how I should answer? Or are you coming up to me and asking to be "polite" and just trying to get the latest? I get how my husband feels now....he will only talk about it with others when HE brings it up but until that point - don't ask him. And when he does start, be prepared.

I just don't want to feel so different, so....uncommon. I have a handful of wonderful friends who have stood by my side from day one of this journey and throughout many other difficult times in my life and I am so grateful for them, there are no words that I could possibly think of to describe what each one means to me and yet I feel lonely. They care, I know they do and I get it,that their lives continue on with their families, husband, daily lives and I feel like I am here stuck in this nightmarish time warp of reality and yesterday...that no one else understands. Yes, I've been invited to Grief groups etc. but I don't want to entertain being angry and resentful that my son wasn't healed because he IS healed. Maybe I am clumping all grief groups into one category but I just can't see it being a positive feeling after a meeting. As you talk about it - sadness and hurt takes over and it's easy to fall into the bitterness trap - a trap I refuse to fall prey too. God knows what he is doing especially when WE don't understand. I have complete faith and trust that one day I will know the reason why our son had to leave us but I also know that when I find out that reason, it won't matter one single bit. Why? Because I will once again be with my boy again and this time no death will rip us apart. I am determined to see my boy again. And so until that day comes, together with my husband and kids we will continue our travels on this lonely road called life...with Jesus by our side.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”-Psalm 147:3 

Grieving siblings

Yesterday was back to school for my girls leaving me home alone with my littlest one all day. I will admit, it was very lonely, too often I found myself thinking about how wrong the quietness was. I was looking forward to just having the boys home during the day...I missed out on that last year as we were either in hospital or running to and from appointments and daddy was home too or the littlest one was gone. The silence was nice for a part of the the day - the morning where I can just have "me" time but as my little guy wanders, calling out for his big sister, the sadness sets in - he is supposed to be running around outside with his brother getting into trouble together. Cash is supposed to be teaching him all the the things I had hoped he wouldn't, they'd be in daddy's shop getting into trouble all the while giggling...I can picture it so clear - and then reality hits.I feel like I am stuck in a time warp. I KNOW everything is real and yet it seems so unbelievable. I can't even imagine at a child's level, what it is like for my kids and the pain and sorrow they feel. It makes me sad that they even had to experience it....

I hope & pray in their own way they are able to process and understand what has happened. I hope & pray that they feel safe and secure. I hope & pray that their pain isn't so deep that they feel alone and confused. I hope & pray that as a parent, I have explained everything to the best of my ability and the answers that I have given them are satisfactory for now. I hope & pray they never feel less than in anything they do because their parents are always missing their brother. I hope & pray that God will continue to shine in their lives and never be overshadowed by grief. I hope that they see the light in the darkness. I hope & pray that they always look for the positive in any situation even when it doesn't seem like there is.. because there always is to be found. I hope & pray that they know it's HEALTHY and okay to talk about their brother and that it's okay that they miss him, cry for him and pray for him. I hope & pray they know that we love them so incredibly much and will do anything we can to protect them...and that we pray for them daily. I hope & pray that they know that if they live life right and for God, they will see their brother again.

If you know parents that are going through cancer with a child and there are siblings...send a little extra love and prayer for those kids. They are going through a whole lot too! They are aware of everything they just might not have the ability to express their feelings!  They take on more then we can possibly imagine - even I can't and I have some of these kids. They are heroes too for enduring lack of attention from mom and dad, endless hours separated from their parents AND siblings, a whole new and different life that they are used to, and a wall of many different emotions that they are feeling and that they are watching others go through.

I'm thankful to God for the peace that he provided for us while going through this where our kids never saw us upset or angry about it. They just saw the love, love, love that we have truly felt. They saw and experienced the kindness of strangers, friends and family. The compassion and care we were given. They witnessed many miracles. They witnessed perseverance at it's finest with their brother and all the obstacles he overcame in a short 7 months. They witnessed God in action and still do everyday through our actions and reactions to something so tragic. Only God can give a peace that passes all understanding. We are truly at peace with Cash's passing, it just doesn't make it easy or take the pain away.

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. (2 Thessalonians 3:16)

Grief

Grief...there is no right or wrong way to do this. It took me a while to figure that one out. We all go through grief in our own ways, on our own time. We have chosen NOT to read any books regarding it and just figure it out - some may think that isn't the best idea but each person is so unique how can grief be lumped into a few categories?

My husband Clif and I are close - closer then we have ever been through this journey - however we have dealt with this loss at complete ends of the scale. I am shy, however - talking, writing etc. about our journey has helped me come out of my shell. I even spoke to 500+ people at Cash's Celebration of Life and to 800+ people at the Relay for Life!!  He was always the outgoing one and now he has become the shy one, not wanting to talk about it unless he brings it up, avoids large crowds of people he knows etc. I have wondered why this had to happen but I have never blamed God for it..I just have always had a sense, understanding of peace of just knowing that HE knows best and the best for all of us is yet to come. Clif has struggled. He was angry not with God but he just couldn't understand how He would let this happen. Because he struggled, I asked for prayer for this. Because he struggled, I struggled to find an answer for him. Because he struggled, I had prayed for someone with the right words to come along and answer him. Praise the Lord, yesterday my prayer was answered!!  The right person came along for him at work with the right words...and for that I am so thankful. I was worried for him, that he might fall prey to anger and resentment. After Cash had passed away we had stated that for a year we will not be joining in on any family functions with extended family, and we still aren't - it's hard, but Clif went so far as to completely avoid family all together - some for a variety of reasons however a big step was made. He - HE not me, invited a few over for a BBQ! That is huge!! Praying we have continued progress with that.

We both have good days and bad. Our other children are certainly aware of them too. We both struggle when each other talks about Cash.  I guess we both will talk when we individually are ready and yet if one isn't and the other is talking about him we just kind of go really quiet and start to cry and shut down. I have a hard time with all the large pictures of him all over the house and yet Clif needs them. We for a while now both avoid Cash's room - I fall apart every time I go in there and see his things, his bed where we used to cuddle each night and I would sing to him and read books to him....one of Clif's big regrets...that he didn't take the time at night to go up and cuddle with him. I have regrets too - how can a parent not? I regret not handing the camera over or making Clif take pictures of Cash and I. The only ones I have are from my old cell phone (selfies) or of him and I in the hospital or when he was really young. No recent ones, none from our make a wish trip taken in February, no close up nice ones from when he was able to go to Kindergarten with his sister for the day....a big regret. I am thankful for the memories though. I am thankful that our last 2 weeks with him were wonderful memories made. I am thankful that our kids have memories of their brother so full of life as their last rather then him so very sick in the hospital.

Our kids are total opposites on the grief scale too. Our oldest daughter doesn't talk about it much - she'll recall a moment here and there but otherwise stays fairly quiet - she's done that from day one. The other one - the one closest to Cash - she talks about him ALL the time. She draws endless pictures of her and him sitting on a hill together under a starry sky. Some of those pictures she insists we mail to him in Heaven and we have - 2 of them. God Bless the workers at Canada post from the first mailing! She received the sweetest card back and a few little "angel" items. Not once saying it was from Cash but just for her...it was a beautiful gesture. And our youngest who was closest in age to Cash - just 13 months younger will sadly never physically remember his brother - he will only by pictures and our memories that we share with him.

Grief will be never ending here as long as we are still on Earth and our loved ones in Heaven. Today I grieve my boy as I sent his sisters off to school knowing that I will never be able to do that with him. Grief is knowing that this year would have been his first preschool year and I won't get to ever see him standing up on stage for his preschool graduation wearing his cap and seeing his big silly grin. Grief is not seeing his reaction to his sisters coming off the bus and his excitement that his "anna" is back home to play. Grief is his brother not having a playmate all day while the girls are at school. Grief is me not having him kick my dirt pile around as I sweep and clean the house. Grief is not having him get all excited when Toopy and Binoo comes on the TV. Grief is not hearing his belly laugh and squeals of delight when his daddy comes home from work. Grief is everything we do. It's not that we live in sadness - we don't -  we live, we celebrate, we laugh, we have fun but there is ALWAYS that part of us that grieves the missing one in everything we do. I pray that over time the pain of it will lessen but grief will always be a part of us. I am just so thankful for God's promises to us:  that the best is yet to come, that one day there will be no more sadness, no more pain, no more tears....a day I can't wait for.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."

                                                                                                   - Revelation 21:4

Almost 6 months

It's been almost 6months since Cash has passed away. 6 months of so many emotions. I remember his final day like it was yesterday - I remember his 6month journey like it was yesterday. I don't even have to look at the calendar to know that it's the 14th of the month, I feel it.

Through the past 6 months of loss, we have been faithful, at times we have struggled with the "how's and why's" but we've been faithful. We do not blame God for this, for we know this is not his doing. I really don't know how anyone could possibly go through something like this without faith for without faith there is no hope. My life has been changed in a positive way. Before this I struggled a lot and then I hit a plateau where things were good, I had let go of the past and was just focusing on the now and the future. Now I am just....thankful. All the things that bothered me in life before or what was so important to me are just so meaningless now. I am sure my husband is also thankful that I am just...thankful! This whole ordeal has changed me, my perspective of life, my priorities. It's given me heartache and yet such peace. A peace that I hope everyone at some point or another can experience although not under the circumstances I have been able to experience it.

Cash passed away March 14, 2013 - peacefully with his dad and I cuddled next to him. Really his journey was a complete full circle. In August/12 I had brought him in and the tumor was discovered but he also had hydrocephalus due to the tumor. In March when we brought him in the final time (and 6 days after his 2nd tumor resection) , it was again the same thing. We were given options, decisions that no parent should have to make but through out his illness we always maintained that it was HIS comfort and quality of life over what WE as parents wanted and in the end our decision was based on that. He had been through so much and any option we were given was at a sacrifice of his quality of life and would only prolong the inevitable. He was only home for one - almost 2 nights after his second craniotomy and hospital stay. The day (Tuesday) we were released, I actually had told a friend that morning that it would be soon, I could feel it and I was at peace then already. As we drove back to the hospital we knew and it was then we released him. At one point my husband put the 4 ways on as we thought we lost him, was so out of it. I remember climbing into the back of the van where he was and yelling for him to say anything...Mommy, Daddy, "Anna"....anything just to let us know he was still with us. He did, his final word he ever uttered was Mommy...

I carried my boy limp into the hospital with one of his favorite blankets, frustrated that the nurses were asking me a million questions rather then bringing him in and asking questions along the way - why check his temp or blood pressure...can't you see there is something wrong? Finally we were rushed to the resuscitation room in the ER...they immediately figured it was neurological and prepped him for a ct scan. I will never forget waiting back in PICU for the CT scan to be done and the doctors to come in and tell us - hydrocephalus- we were right back where we started 7 months earlier and almost to the day. 

I will NEVER forget the words the doctors said to us, those words gave us even more peace in knowing our decision was the right one. The doctors said, "As physicians the decision you are making is the best one for your son - knowing what lies ahead - but as parents, we cannot begin to imagine having to make this, but know that it is the best one at this time" It was confirmation for me that the road ahead would not be easy or without more heartache and pain. So, we called our families in to say their goodbyes: their sisters and little bro(although he doesn't understand at all) said goodbye to their little brother & best friend, grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles. 

At that point all we could do is pray that after we removed the breathing tube it would not be long - and mercifully and thankfully it was not. With just his dad and I in bed with him, he slipped off this earth into the arms of an angel. I still to this day get shivers when I think of that moment....we all know there are angels among us but to KNOW that there were angels in that room beside us, comforting us and holding Cash is just.....WOW. He taught us so much in 2 1/2 years then we have learned in our respective 36/43 years. God's light shining through my little handsome boy, shining for the world to see that amidst the darkness there is light. There is hope, there is happiness, there is peace in the middle of any storm one may face. 

Through writing our journey, I hope to offer light, strength, love and comfort to anyone going through their own difficult storm.

A new start

After much consideration, I decided to start a blog to journal our journey. Here is a brief overview of what I mean about Life with Loss. 

Last August 2012, after a rough week with our son Cash (2) and a few trips into our local hospital,on August 10th after no relief for him, I made a trip into our Children's Hospital, a trip that forever changed our lives. You can read about it here but I will also slowly write more about it. 

In short, a tumor was found that night, he underwent a surgery to remove the mass (the size of a nectarine) the very next morning and a week later it was found to be a very aggressive brain cancer not commonly found in children (although that is proving to be very untrue as I have followed a few children who had also been diagnosed and are still fighting or have earned wings just as my precious baby boy has). This brain cancer is called GBM. He battled it for a very short 7 months, basically the exact expected life span with this type. Just 2 months shy of his 3rd birthday he was given the best gift one could receive, eternal life. 

Although we grieve the loss of our precious son, we rejoice in the fact that he is pain free, healed, healthy and whole. Although we rejoice, we struggle day to day with the loss of him and continuing on with life, so this is my journal of just that...moving on in our life with loss.