It's been almost 6months since Cash has passed away. 6 months of so many emotions. I remember his final day like it was yesterday - I remember his 6month journey like it was yesterday. I don't even have to look at the calendar to know that it's the 14th of the month, I feel it.
Through the past 6 months of loss, we have been faithful, at times we have struggled with the "how's and why's" but we've been faithful. We do not blame God for this, for we know this is not his doing. I really don't know how anyone could possibly go through something like this without faith for without faith there is no hope. My life has been changed in a positive way. Before this I struggled a lot and then I hit a plateau where things were good, I had let go of the past and was just focusing on the now and the future. Now I am just....thankful. All the things that bothered me in life before or what was so important to me are just so meaningless now. I am sure my husband is also thankful that I am just...thankful! This whole ordeal has changed me, my perspective of life, my priorities. It's given me heartache and yet such peace. A peace that I hope everyone at some point or another can experience although not under the circumstances I have been able to experience it.
Cash passed away March 14, 2013 - peacefully with his dad and I cuddled next to him. Really his journey was a complete full circle. In August/12 I had brought him in and the tumor was discovered but he also had hydrocephalus due to the tumor. In March when we brought him in the final time (and 6 days after his 2nd tumor resection) , it was again the same thing. We were given options, decisions that no parent should have to make but through out his illness we always maintained that it was HIS comfort and quality of life over what WE as parents wanted and in the end our decision was based on that. He had been through so much and any option we were given was at a sacrifice of his quality of life and would only prolong the inevitable. He was only home for one - almost 2 nights after his second craniotomy and hospital stay. The day (Tuesday) we were released, I actually had told a friend that morning that it would be soon, I could feel it and I was at peace then already. As we drove back to the hospital we knew and it was then we released him. At one point my husband put the 4 ways on as we thought we lost him, was so out of it. I remember climbing into the back of the van where he was and yelling for him to say anything...Mommy, Daddy, "Anna"....anything just to let us know he was still with us. He did, his final word he ever uttered was Mommy...
I carried my boy limp into the hospital with one of his favorite blankets, frustrated that the nurses were asking me a million questions rather then bringing him in and asking questions along the way - why check his temp or blood pressure...can't you see there is something wrong? Finally we were rushed to the resuscitation room in the ER...they immediately figured it was neurological and prepped him for a ct scan. I will never forget waiting back in PICU for the CT scan to be done and the doctors to come in and tell us - hydrocephalus- we were right back where we started 7 months earlier and almost to the day.
I will NEVER forget the words the doctors said to us, those words gave us even more peace in knowing our decision was the right one. The doctors said, "As physicians the decision you are making is the best one for your son - knowing what lies ahead - but as parents, we cannot begin to imagine having to make this, but know that it is the best one at this time" It was confirmation for me that the road ahead would not be easy or without more heartache and pain. So, we called our families in to say their goodbyes: their sisters and little bro(although he doesn't understand at all) said goodbye to their little brother & best friend, grandparents, cousins, and aunts and uncles.
At that point all we could do is pray that after we removed the breathing tube it would not be long - and mercifully and thankfully it was not. With just his dad and I in bed with him, he slipped off this earth into the arms of an angel. I still to this day get shivers when I think of that moment....we all know there are angels among us but to KNOW that there were angels in that room beside us, comforting us and holding Cash is just.....WOW. He taught us so much in 2 1/2 years then we have learned in our respective 36/43 years. God's light shining through my little handsome boy, shining for the world to see that amidst the darkness there is light. There is hope, there is happiness, there is peace in the middle of any storm one may face.
Through writing our journey, I hope to offer light, strength, love and comfort to anyone going through their own difficult storm.
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