I know my son would not want me to do that and so I keep going on for him. I have learned to pretend - a lot. A year ago I started working part time out of our home. My husband wanted me to get out of the house, rather then stay home and never leave. It hasn't been easy. There are lots of pros and a lot of cons. I enjoy the getting out however our youngest has a really hard time with mommy leaving him. I work evenings only so somedays I only see my girls for about an hour in the day. The time in the morning before school and about 10 minutes when they get home from school, it's been quite difficult for all of us to adjust, even a year later!
Life has gone on for everyone around us and we are still trying to navigate. We all struggle in our own ways, we always will. My biggest challenge is trying to help my oldest through this as she is withdrawn and quiet. Part of it is the pre-teen hormones and emotions but I know that all she wants is for things to go back to the way things were...which will never be again. It's tough trying to navigate these waters as it is then adding the emotions of my remaining kids. My youngest often expresses his wish that his brother was here to play with, I don't blame him, he deserves to have his big brother here to play with.
This year, Cash's Angelversary was even more difficult as we were back at the hospital 3 days before with his little brother for an MRI on his brain. In Oct. he started complaining of headaches constantly for a few months, then his eye hurt and he was constantly randomly falling. Hard to stay calm but I did until his dad said enough was enough so at my request an MRI appointment was set up for peace of mind. I am hoping no news is good news because we still have not heard anything. I made a call to my doctor today for results so we can move forward with a few things.
People may think I am crazy but my intuition with Cash was right. Since Cash, deep inside I know another one of my kids will be dx with cancer...they will survive but I just don't know which one of my kids. So I don't take things too lightly when it comes to their health. I despise knowing what I know. I'm the same with other people...not all but a few. I know things about them before they tell me. It not only drives me crazy but them too. I can't explain how I know, I just feel it.
So often I get asked how I do it. How do I deal with my own grief and be able to help listen to others through their cancer journey or be there for others through their child loss. I just put my grief aside and try to be there, to sit in silence or to sit and listen. If there is one thing that I am grateful for in loss, its the friendships I have made from it. The silent understanding when it's a bad day, the encouragement to give or receive, the unspoken bond, the knowing you aren't alone. That's one thing I am grateful for on this journey - the life lines I have met through grief, and somedays they have been life saving.
