Every moment of the day I miss my son, every moment I am reminded of his absence. I pull it together for everyone when they are around but most mornings while no one is here except Cyrus who is still asleep, I fall apart.
We just could not bring ourselves to celebrate Christmas as we normally would, it just didn't feel right at all. No tree put up, no decorations...nothing. Instead we went away. Packed up and headed out on an adventure. It was fun, tough at times because Cash was not with us physically but we all needed it. We became so much closer as a family and I am so thankful for that. Our kids deserved it after all, they too have been through so much. New traditions are good and this just may be one of our new ones. The hardest part was coming home...the memories flloded and overwhelmed me for a few weeks after we got back, it was excruciatingly difficult for me....but as time goes on I have to learn to suck it up. I know I'm not the only one who has dealt with a loss this unimaginable, but of my friends close to me, I am and it's a lonely road.
As we come upon March 14, I am panicking more. In denial in someways that it's really a year since my precious son has been gone. I know he's in the best place possible, I know this with every fibre of me but I just miss him so. I know people move on and life goes on but somedays I want to scream.....my boy mattered and should not be forgotten. The hardest has been some of my family members...in the past year they have not called to check up on us to see how we are doing. The one Cash 's middle name was after does not seem to care one bit. That breaks my heart because even in Cashs short little life he wasn't important enough. One remaining boy and it doesn't make a difference...I guess when there is such a great inability to love these things are not important. Losing Cash has been hard enough but dealing with this on top of my own grief has been very difficult.
I can't wait for the day this pain and hurt is gone....I just want to be complete as s family again.
