My husband Clif and I are close - closer then we have ever been through this journey - however we have dealt with this loss at complete ends of the scale. I am shy, however - talking, writing etc. about our journey has helped me come out of my shell. I even spoke to 500+ people at Cash's Celebration of Life and to 800+ people at the Relay for Life!! He was always the outgoing one and now he has become the shy one, not wanting to talk about it unless he brings it up, avoids large crowds of people he knows etc. I have wondered why this had to happen but I have never blamed God for it..I just have always had a sense, understanding of peace of just knowing that HE knows best and the best for all of us is yet to come. Clif has struggled. He was angry not with God but he just couldn't understand how He would let this happen. Because he struggled, I asked for prayer for this. Because he struggled, I struggled to find an answer for him. Because he struggled, I had prayed for someone with the right words to come along and answer him. Praise the Lord, yesterday my prayer was answered!! The right person came along for him at work with the right words...and for that I am so thankful. I was worried for him, that he might fall prey to anger and resentment. After Cash had passed away we had stated that for a year we will not be joining in on any family functions with extended family, and we still aren't - it's hard, but Clif went so far as to completely avoid family all together - some for a variety of reasons however a big step was made. He - HE not me, invited a few over for a BBQ! That is huge!! Praying we have continued progress with that.
We both have good days and bad. Our other children are certainly aware of them too. We both struggle when each other talks about Cash. I guess we both will talk when we individually are ready and yet if one isn't and the other is talking about him we just kind of go really quiet and start to cry and shut down. I have a hard time with all the large pictures of him all over the house and yet Clif needs them. We for a while now both avoid Cash's room - I fall apart every time I go in there and see his things, his bed where we used to cuddle each night and I would sing to him and read books to him....one of Clif's big regrets...that he didn't take the time at night to go up and cuddle with him. I have regrets too - how can a parent not? I regret not handing the camera over or making Clif take pictures of Cash and I. The only ones I have are from my old cell phone (selfies) or of him and I in the hospital or when he was really young. No recent ones, none from our make a wish trip taken in February, no close up nice ones from when he was able to go to Kindergarten with his sister for the day....a big regret. I am thankful for the memories though. I am thankful that our last 2 weeks with him were wonderful memories made. I am thankful that our kids have memories of their brother so full of life as their last rather then him so very sick in the hospital.
Our kids are total opposites on the grief scale too. Our oldest daughter doesn't talk about it much - she'll recall a moment here and there but otherwise stays fairly quiet - she's done that from day one. The other one - the one closest to Cash - she talks about him ALL the time. She draws endless pictures of her and him sitting on a hill together under a starry sky. Some of those pictures she insists we mail to him in Heaven and we have - 2 of them. God Bless the workers at Canada post from the first mailing! She received the sweetest card back and a few little "angel" items. Not once saying it was from Cash but just for her...it was a beautiful gesture. And our youngest who was closest in age to Cash - just 13 months younger will sadly never physically remember his brother - he will only by pictures and our memories that we share with him.
Grief will be never ending here as long as we are still on Earth and our loved ones in Heaven. Today I grieve my boy as I sent his sisters off to school knowing that I will never be able to do that with him. Grief is knowing that this year would have been his first preschool year and I won't get to ever see him standing up on stage for his preschool graduation wearing his cap and seeing his big silly grin. Grief is not seeing his reaction to his sisters coming off the bus and his excitement that his "anna" is back home to play. Grief is his brother not having a playmate all day while the girls are at school. Grief is me not having him kick my dirt pile around as I sweep and clean the house. Grief is not having him get all excited when Toopy and Binoo comes on the TV. Grief is not hearing his belly laugh and squeals of delight when his daddy comes home from work. Grief is everything we do. It's not that we live in sadness - we don't - we live, we celebrate, we laugh, we have fun but there is ALWAYS that part of us that grieves the missing one in everything we do. I pray that over time the pain of it will lessen but grief will always be a part of us. I am just so thankful for God's promises to us: that the best is yet to come, that one day there will be no more sadness, no more pain, no more tears....a day I can't wait for.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."- Revelation 21:4
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