Lonely road travelled

It's a lonely road. Plain and simple. As much as there is good intent from family and friends, I am so much more aware of how "different" I am. I feel it every time I talk with  someone who has not endured the death of a child, their OWN child. Believe me, I certainly do not wish it upon anyone but only those who have walked this road "get it". I feel like a blubbering crazy person when I talk with others because it always falls back to Cash. I know they care, but I feel like I am just tolerated. I have nothing more to offer anyone as this is my reality, my life. I don't want to say I am "lost" because I thought I was for so long....and really I just needed to find God, I am just in a chapter in my life where I will learn once again who my friends are by them staying or going. I don't intentionally try to overtake conversations by talking about my baby - to me he is just as alive as he was 7 months ago but to them, he is no longer here, it's old news, the sadness has worn off, they've moved on....but how do I move on? Especially when every day I am fully aware of the one that is missing and a second does not go by that I think of him.

The worst is the sad face I see as soon as someone sees me and the awkward and quiet whisper, "How are you?". I am never sure how to respond to that - do you want me to lie and say everything is great, peachy keen, fantastic or do you want the truth - the truth that you'd rather avoid getting into? For the most part I AM okay, I'm surviving, I'm getting out of bed each morning and doing routine things, live day to day,  but inside I have a range of things I want to yell, cry, write and say. Is THAT what you want to hear and how I should answer? Or are you coming up to me and asking to be "polite" and just trying to get the latest? I get how my husband feels now....he will only talk about it with others when HE brings it up but until that point - don't ask him. And when he does start, be prepared.

I just don't want to feel so different, so....uncommon. I have a handful of wonderful friends who have stood by my side from day one of this journey and throughout many other difficult times in my life and I am so grateful for them, there are no words that I could possibly think of to describe what each one means to me and yet I feel lonely. They care, I know they do and I get it,that their lives continue on with their families, husband, daily lives and I feel like I am here stuck in this nightmarish time warp of reality and yesterday...that no one else understands. Yes, I've been invited to Grief groups etc. but I don't want to entertain being angry and resentful that my son wasn't healed because he IS healed. Maybe I am clumping all grief groups into one category but I just can't see it being a positive feeling after a meeting. As you talk about it - sadness and hurt takes over and it's easy to fall into the bitterness trap - a trap I refuse to fall prey too. God knows what he is doing especially when WE don't understand. I have complete faith and trust that one day I will know the reason why our son had to leave us but I also know that when I find out that reason, it won't matter one single bit. Why? Because I will once again be with my boy again and this time no death will rip us apart. I am determined to see my boy again. And so until that day comes, together with my husband and kids we will continue our travels on this lonely road called life...with Jesus by our side.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”-Psalm 147:3